A week at home alone with 5 kids - the horror!

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

Aug. 5, 2010

I'm going to have to ask you all to listen closely as I type this in a whisper. This week's column comes to you from deep within my walk-in closet, just off the bathroom.

This is one of the toughest times of the year for our household -- the week before the Memphis City Schools resume for the year. My wife, Kristy, teaches English at Central High School, and teachers are required to report to work one week before the students arrive to prepare for the coming year.

At least, that's what Kristy has always told me. She leaves here early in the morning and returns in the late afternoons smelling vaguely of textbooks and happy hour.

So this is my week alone on the front lines. It's the time for me to set aside work and other activities to see to the well-being of the children. As an extra bonus, I'm watching a friend's 3-year-old son as well. That means there are five of them out there. I can hear them through the closed closet and bathroom doors and the locked bedroom door beyond.

Any family, no matter its makeup, is about working together and cooperating to get through the trying times, and the children have done just that. Like the group of stranded ruffians in "Lord of the Flies," they've banded together and claimed the kitchen, living room and my office as their own ... (read more)

Putting kids to work is its own reward

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

July 22, 2010

When my wife and I made the decision to have children, we considered cherubic smiles, a house full of love, the legacy of family and free labor. And it is only now, nearly 13 years later, that I am drawing up plans for daily chores for my four kids. It's long overdue, yet the mere thought of it makes all these years and the trials of parenthood worth it.

Free labor. It gives those of us with kids who are long past that cute, big-eyed stage of babyhood something to continue to appreciate. It's the baby-head smell of adolescent children.

The timing is not arbitrary; it's being synchronized with the beginning of school in a few weeks. My idea is to heap misery upon misery and to then pass the cause of so much upheaval on their schools. I can't carry this burden alone. With that in mind, I gathered my flock in close and proposed the idea of daily work, and the first question, the only question, really, was "How much do we get paid?"

I opened my mouth to answer, and the voice that came out, as though channeled from a different era, one of disco and gasoline rationing, was that of a woman a bit younger than I, speaking to her own 8-year-old son.

"You have a roof over your head," I heard my mother saying ... (read more)

In playbook of parenting, patience is the goal

"Because I Said So" column in The Commercial Appeal

July 8, 2010

What is patience?

I'm not getting philosophical; I seem to have lost mine and am having trouble even recalling what it is.

I had it here somewhere, sometime before summer break and a house full of children every day.

Summer 2010 means only one thing, and if your family is anything like mine, then you've been gripped by World Cup soccer for the past month. I've used the matches and brackets as a forum for teaching my kids about patience, that elusive quality of the long sufferer.

Soccer is the sport of waiting, of passing, looking and hoping. I'm not sure my kids are completely on board with the game, though, as I heard 12-year-old Calvin leave the room the other day and tell younger brother Joshua, "Call me if anybody scores." ... (read more)

Casting out our kids in oceans of the world

"Because I Said So" column in The Commercial Appeal

June 24, 2010

Abby Sunderland, a 16-year-old from California, recently ended her attempt to circumnavigate the globe when a wave broke the mast of her sailboat. Successful completion would have matched the record, which once belonged to Abby's brother Zac, currently held by 16-year-old Australian Jessica Watson.

There was endless debate before Abby Sunderland left, and since her rescue in the Indian Ocean, over whether she should have been allowed to attempt such a feat at all.

In May, 13-year-old Jordan Romero of Big Bear, Calif., became the youngest person to scale Mt. Everest, part of a growing trend of younger and younger adventure seekers. When he reached the peak, Romero used his cell phone to call his mother.

Kristy and I were surprised to learn this past week that our 12-year-old had signed on to Facebook. Calvin has weighed anchor and set his sails for a vast cyber-sea where unknown dangers lurk, prompting his mother and me to hold conferences and debates over how to best handle his foray into a new chapter of passive socializing. And it seems like only yesterday he got his first cell phone.

The computer in the home office is now a reason for worry for parents of my generation ... (read more)

Vacation filled with selective memories

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

June 10, 2010

Dateline: Florida panhandle, toes in sand.

I will turn this column around right now. Just a warning to you readers that if you can't behave, if you're raucous, inconsiderate or argumentative, I will turn around and take you all back home and we'll just forget about this week's column.

By the time you read this, I will be home from a family vacation to Inlet Beach, sandwiched serenely between Panama City and Rosemary Beach. Once again, we escaped from work, reality, school and the day in and day out of our every day. The stuff of real life.

Natural selection is a function of evolution. Selective memory is a function of parenthood. It's what allows us to take these four kids, sprung from my wife, and pack them into a womb-like minivan for a nine- to 10-hour drive (I missed a turn in Alabama) to the gulf coast.

Selective memory is how Charles Darwin was able to take his family aboard the H.M.S. Beagle every summer to the Bluefoot Resort at Galapagos Beach (I will research this further when I'm off vacation) ... (read more)

School's out, so is structure for the summer

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

May 27, 2010

My family and I began our summer season last Saturday with the first weekend of the Levitt Shell's free concert series in Overton Park.

We spent the evening on a quilt spread in the grass listening to Jimbo Mathus perform his home-grown Delta music for a home-grown crowd.

It was the perfect evening as we lay there listening to songs about Skateland and cornbread, with the park and zoo as backdrop and a FedEx plane aligning itself for landing. The scene couldn't have been more Memphis-centric if Elvis and Isaac had shown up to serve barbecue.

The kids danced like little hipsters and I regaled them with a story of the time I spotted Jimbo from two checkout lanes away at the Midtown Schnucks.

Saturday night was the calm before my summer storm. School ended for the year only three days later and, just like that, our children's teachers expect us to take care of these kids all day long. We'll have to feed them, entertain them and see that they're safe.

It's going to be like a full-time job. The pay is terrible ... (read more)

With chicken, it's better to be done than good

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

May 13, 2010

My cooking philosophy, and the title of my proposed cookbook, is "Burn Until Raw."

When I was 13 years old, my aunt put a match to charcoal and taught me how to make the perfect barbecue chicken. For a while I cooked it pretty well, too, but it's a skill I've lost over time. My chicken comes off the rack black and crispy as though pulled from deep inside the grill. When I cut into it, the kids are horrified by the sight. Poultry was never meant for medium rare.

In the time I've been a father, and the shorter time I've worked from home, I've become a pretty fair housewife. I get the kids up and dressed for school in the morning, do the bulk of the laundry and most of the dishes. I try to keep things tidy.

And, despite pleas for the opposite, I've been trying to cook more. Cook more, mind you, for one kid who eats nothing but cheese pizza and another who would eat his own weight in macaroni and cheese every night if allowed ... (read more)

Rowdy game of tag takes dad back to childhood

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

April 29, 2010

Last week we received a DVD from Netflix in the mail that has allowed us to stream movies and such into our television from the Internet.

It's as though the 21st century was delivered to our mailbox.

The following morning began with a film festival of classic cartoons created by Tex Avery and Chuck Jones for Warner Bros. The kids and I laughed aloud at the antics of Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck, Marvin the Martian, Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner.

It was as though the 1940s were delivered to our living room.

The plot, as it were, of so many of these old cartoons is simple. It's the chase, the hunt. Elmer chased Bugs, Coyote chased Roadrunner, Sylvester chased Tweety, and Pepe Le Pew chased anything that moved.

So it was disheartening later that same evening to watch my kids, some friends and a cousin outside playing chase. Or, rather, attempting some awful approximation of the classic childhood activity ... (read more)

Treehouse is platform for flights of daring

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

April 15, 2010

My children's aunt and uncle, Elizabeth and Toby, just returned from a 10-day trip to Spain. They visited the village of Robledillo de la Jara and the metropolis of Madrid. They sampled new foods, saw centuries-old architecture, watched a bullfight and met new and exciting people.

My family and I recently returned from the local hardware store just off Summer Avenue.

We spent my wife's -- she's a school teacher -- and kids' spring break building a tree house and planting a garden.

The house is 7 feet off the ground with a zip line that will carry a kid 50 feet through the grove of pine trees behind our house. The only thing missing at this point is any sort of railing, some type of safety precaution.

Despite the lack of safety (or maybe because of it), this is the tree house I always wanted as a child. A Swiss Family Robinson structure, a home that would have made Tarzan proud.

Some people, especially here in the South, may look at it and think "deer stand," but I know differently. In my mind it rivals Frank Lloyd Wright's house, Fallingwater, for design and placement within nature.

It is Falling Daughter ... (read more)

City pass would defray cost of 'I don't know' visits

"Because I Said So" column in The Commercial Appeal

April 1, 2010

The first question out of my children's mouths every Saturday morning is usually, "Are we going anywhere today?"

The past couple of weeks, with spring in the air, I've told the housebound foursome that, "Yes, you're going outside."

But outside won't do. The backyard is not far enough away from the inside, requires much less effort to get there and much -- much -- less expense than traveling across town to ... where?

"Where would you like to go?" I ask them.

"I don't know."

I Don't Know. It's a faraway land of exotic promises and myriad possibilities. With a coastline on the Sea of Shrug, it borders the land of Mumbletopia and is inhabited by people other than, and much more fascinating than, their mother and me. It is a domain so vast as to be vague.

What is it these kids wish for? I don't know ... (read more)

Daddy's little flock is aflutter constantly

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

March 18, 2010

Our house is square like a doughnut.

In the center of the house is a courtyard, and that is where I have amassed a collection of feeders in the hopes of attracting birds.

All a tired father of four wants on some days is to sit quietly and watch the finches alight on the branches of the crape myrtle, enjoying a safe place to eat. It's the same principle behind my parenting; no one wants to see my kids foraging through their backyard for nuts and berries and Cheetos.

When it comes to communing with nature, though, my kids have other designs. They want to flit around and jump up and down, twitching and turning their heads this way and that like nervous mockingbirds.

And, oh, they mock me ... (read more)

Surprise! Not. Scheduled birth steals dad's big moment

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

March 4, 2010

My little sister is having a baby today. Probably as you read this over your Corn Flakes and coffee, she's having an epidural catheter inserted into her back to administer anesthesia into her spine.

Sorry.

This is actually her second baby, the first a girl almost three years ago. She knows she's having the baby today because, in the new tradition of the time, it's all planned out.

The appointment, whether inducement, C-section or natural, takes some of the guesswork out of the process, and that's fine because I've come to learn that everything after "It's a boy!" is guesswork. But it also removes that element of surprise, the midnight wake-up call that something is happening, something very exciting.

Get up! This is it! We have to go! ... (read more)

Teacher star of the show at career day

Because I Said So column for The Commercial Appeal

February 18, 2010

I was invited to Richland Elementary School to speak to Ms. Darnell's second-grade class for career day last week. I prepared for it much the way I prepare to write for this column, over a cup of coffee and at the last minute. I figured I'd wander into the classroom around noon or so, mug of coffee in hand and, possibly, in my bathrobe. Just like any freelance writer anywhere.

I didn't, though. I woke at a respectable hour, showered and dressed presentably. And I finished my coffee at home.

Fifteen minutes trying to explain what you do and why you do it to 25 7-year-olds is daunting. Most kids, I think, don't fully understand what their parents do every day once they leave the house. How do you describe human resource management or certified public accountant to a kid whose hero is a little two-dimensional, mustachioed man named Mario? If you were leaving the house each day to traipse through different worlds, squashing mushrooms and jumping on turtles, well, that would be easy. To this day, all I really know about my own mother's career is that she does "something with computers." . . . (read more)

Cozy fire a fine spot to ponder fatherhood

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

February 4, 2010

Can we make parenting a seasonal activity, like baseball or yard work?

I am not a winter parent. I'm pretty good in the spring and summer when I'm happy to get out and fill up the inflatable pool or work in the garden. Or at least to sit and watch the children doing those things nearby.

But in the winter, on days when the temperature can barely push above 20 degrees and ice is caked on the ground like it was last weekend, all I want is to lie around with a book in the ridiculously expensive heat we're paying for. All I really want is for my kids to want to do the same thing.

They do not.

They want to go out and taste the ground cover, see the freeze up-close and throw it on each other. My fatherly instincts tell me that I should at least want to be out there with them, mixing it up on the lawn and putting together a snowman.

I do not ... (read more)

Life in anti-mustache house requires stiff upper lip

Because I Said So column for The Commercial Appeal

January 21, 2010

As the parents of four children, my wife and I knew full well that we would, at age-appropriate intervals, need to have some uncomfortable and awkward conversations with the kids.

In addition to general safety concerns, healthy eating, school grades, college and, of course, "the talk," there would need to be many discussions of personal hygiene and bodily upkeep before they are unleashed into the community among decent people.

I won't go into those conversations in detail here, such is the personal nature of the subject, but suffice it to say that soap, deodorant, underwear, feet and fingernails will come into play if they haven't already. For the two girls there will be other discussions, possibly including bar graphs, pie charts, ice cream, lunar calendars and a PowerPoint presentation.

I'll leave all that up to their mother ... (read more)

Santa is gone, but dad is still watching

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

January 7, 2009

The Christmas holidays are over.

Do you know how I know this? Because the lights have been pulled down from the front of the house, the tree is lying at the curb, there are no sweets baking in the kitchen and the trash talking from my children is in full swing.

The kids got a Wii for Christmas. It's the first appearance of a video game in our home in the 12 years we've had kids and they are suddenly competitive. They have quickly, in the malleable nature of smallish children, become expert runners, jumpers, skiers, bowlers and kung-fu fighters.

And experts at bragging and talking smack and, frankly, it's beginning to hurt my feelings ... (read more)

Santa owes more than you know to the Mrs.

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

December 24, 2009

I have dutifully read my kids' letters to Santa, at least those of the middle two. The oldest no longer writes letters to Santa and the youngest still can't spell. I confess that I didn't know what a lot of the items on their lists were. After 12 years of fatherhood, I don't know what a Bakugan is, where to adopt a Zhu Zhu Pet or what a "model of Chowder" might be.

I'm sure they wouldn't understand my list, either, were I to write one. They may understand the words, but not the concept of wanting nothing more than for them to grow and flourish through the next year; to be free of illness, fear or sadness.

I don't need much else, really. Sure, I'd like an iPhone or some new CDs, but those will come over time. They're tangible and can be budgeted for. Our kids' childhoods are fleeting, an unknown quantity.

I recognize some of the items on the lists. I know what a laptop is and that 8-year-old Joshua is not getting one. I also know what root beer is, though it's unclear why it is on his list. I'm pretty sure he'll be getting a six-pack, though, if only so I can drink half of them.

Every mother's child knows what this year brings: Gifts, cheer, gifts, and family and friends who bring gifts. This season may be the most stressful part of this year, when we parents are expected once again to become experts in shopping, decorating, cooking and, maybe most importantly, the delicate balancing act of managing expectations ... (read more)

True meaning of thanks not lost on kids

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

November 25, 2009

I have fond memories of being a kid and traveling to relatives' homes for the holidays. Any child of the 1970s will recall long road trips spent singing along with the static of The Eagles on the radio, staring out the window, fighting with territorial siblings over the back seat and watching the ornamental seatbelts flap in the wind blowing through windows cracked open to allow the cigarette smoke to escape.

This country was founded on travel and a poor sense of direction.

I asked my children recently about their knowledge of Thanksgiving, its history and meaning. Somerset, 7, was almost positive the Pilgrims came over with Columbus in 1942. Calvin, 11 and my oldest, figured the trip must have taken at least a week and that the children on board spent most of the time throwing up.

"Wait," Somerset said, "the Pilgrims had kids?"

The throwing up, I was then told, was only one activity to pass the time, the other being one of my kids' favorites: rock-paper-scissors ... (read more)

Weekend with family serves ravioli, savored time

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

November 12, 2009

What is the recipe for family?

Each person's idea of what family is can be as personal and cherished as favorite recipes of ancestors, brought here by boat, plane or covered chuck wagon. Mother and father, sure, plus brothers and sisters and all manner of blood relations. Sprinkle in neighbors and a healthy helping of friends and that family can become large enough to fill any dining table.

I spent the weekend wrapped in family. A family that grew each time I turned and satisfied a hunger for closeness and community.

On Sunday afternoon, we had friends and family into our home for the yearly making of my family's ravioli recipe. The Zanone recipe has been handed down through generations; pages filled with handwriting of those long gone, recent notations scrawled over stains from ages past ... (read more)

One little stitch can put a hitch in morning

"Because I Said So" column for The Commercial Appeal

October 29, 2009

When I was a boy, we got our shoes at Youngtown behind the Lowenstein's Department Store in Poplar Plaza.

I would perch up on a tall booth with my socked feet on the metal pegs while a salesman slipped a pair of creamy Buster Browns on me. I was then made to stand while my mother and the salesman took turns pushing down on my toes, squeezing the sides and sliding my heel in and out.

"Is this too tight? ... Too loose? ... Does this pinch? ... Is there room? ..." they asked.

I gave them half answers: "Pretty good. Not too. Sorta,'" knowing that whatever the next day brought, cramped toes or blistered heel, I wouldn't complain. The questioning I went through at the time of purchase had been too rigorous for me to dare speak up 24 hours later.

Our kids' shoes come from Target now. I guess. Shoe buying isn't really my department. Some are handed down from friends' kids, I'm pretty sure. For all I know, my children are taking shoes from classmates ... (read more)